The missed chance

I believe in straightforwardness. Personally, being honest has its perks; good or bad. It is better to be slapped by truth than kissed by lies. Yes, truth hurts but no matter how painful it is, it cannot be compared to being lied. I always feel like whenever I got lied, it hurts the most simply because of the fact that I am not even worth to know the truth about anything. It just hurts, the most.

Hence, I live my life by telling every single thing expressively; my opinions, whatever I think about anything, how I feel, when things are a complete nuisance or a compliment, I boldly speak out. I do not restrict myself. Never. I just feel comfortable when I do so. I feel good about myself and even if it will or may hurt other people since not everyone could deal with honesty; I still do. Call me a jerk, I don't mind. This is just me. If being honest at all cost; defines a jerk, then I am a jerk. Cool!

Recently, I have a crazy crush on someone. Well initially, it is just a normal feeling you have when you bump into someone too often. You just started to fancy the fact that you will bump into him pretty much every nook and cranny you go since this campus is totally not a huge one. However, as time passes by, the fancy feeling changed into something more than that and it is killing me with happiness and overjoy now.

Nonetheless, I realized that I could not be myself when it comes about him due to my prior experiences. There were numerous chances to even get closer to him but I actually dare to blew them away. I can say that I am totally a different person now whenever I think about it. I was not someone who occasionally or purposely miss an opportunity because for me, they are priceless. It would not come twice and it is inappropriate for me to turn it down without thinking twice. I usually value chances, however, I missed a lot of them lately.

Now when I think about it, have I changed into someone new or this is all just temporarily? It ponders me somehow.

I Curse

I curse you,

For being ungrateful of me

I curse you,

For taking our friendship for granted

I curse you,

For spreading all those stupid rumors about me

I curse you,

For being too coward to come to me and vent everything out

I curse you,

For wasting the times I spent on you

I curse you,

For making me believing the opposite of you

I curse you,

For being too shameless of yourself

I curse you,

For letting our friendship gone to waste

I curse you,

For giving me quite a very hard time

I curse you,

For being too special than you're supposed to in my life

I curse you,

For all the miseries I went through by myself

I curse you.

I Wish

I wish

I could be more honest in high school

I wish

I could avoid myself being left outcast for nothing

I wish

I could be more dependable during foundation

I wish

I could avoid myself being stepped on illogically

I wish

I could be more mature when I turned 20

I wish

I could avoid myself from doing stupid things

I wish

I could be more firm to stand for myself

I wish

I could avoid myself from getting misunderstood

I wish

I could be more futuristic towards my own future

I wish

I could avoid myself from wasting time even longer

I wish

I could be more thoughtful about these things

I wish.

For the betterment, perhaps?

My kind of stupidity

You know that moment when deep down inside, you think he is still that person you knew back when you were together but you forgot the fact that eventually people will change? I am in a total denial when it comes about you. It seriously makes me feel like the stupidest person on earth alive.

This whole thing about push and pull in love, is killing me. Whatever I have done to you in the past, I know it is hard for you to simply trust me or even try to. Still, you have no rights to treat me like a total crap here. Believe it or not, that's what I feel you are doing. You're treating me like a bullshit. However, despite everything, here I am, still in love with you, like a stupid person, although I know you will never be the same anymore.

It seems like I can never accept the fact that you have changed. I think that is one of the hardest thing I will have to do in life, you know. It is simply hard for me. No further explanation about it. It's the third time, Mieza. Thrice can be considered as stupidity, don't you think? Yes I am stupid. Full stop.

SHRMZB!

Eid Mubarak for me is like opening a brand new chapter in my life ; without having to dwell in past. Just sometimes occasionally remember them and that's it to it. Since people said, past taught us thousands of things that help shaped us how we are now. I believe in that strongly! Past, even your yesterday is like a puzzle that is being placed, one by one to portrait your whole life in the end. Amazing isn't it?

A new chapter in life for me is just like when you open a window and you got to see a very beautiful and fresh view of things in front of you. It's breathtaking isn't it? And it's up to you how you are going to live your life onward. Happily, gratefully, miserably? You decide.

It's kinda thrilling though because later on, you get to flashback everything and it depends on how your life turns out ; whether you will laugh, cry or even regret with the outcome. That's what I love about it. It's like a total surprise. Well turning into a new leaf really takes the whole thing into a new level. I would say, it is a stepping stone into the betterment of myself.  That's what Eid means to me.

In conjunction to that, I want to take this chance to humbly apologize for every bad things came from me. I am still learning and yeah, so far still a human being who makes a total lots of mistakes.

Salam kosong-kosong ye?

Love, MS

We're Venus and Mars

Wouldn't Change A Thing

It's like, he doesn't hear a word I say

His mind is somewhere far away

And I don't know how to get there

It's like all he wants is to chill out

She's way too serious

Makes me wanna pull all my hair out

She's always in a rush and interrupting

Like he doesn't even care

Like she doesn't even care

You, me

We're face to face

But we don't see eye to eye

Like fire and rain

You can drive me insane

But I can't stand mad at you for anything

We're Venus and Mars

We're like different stars

But you're the harmony to every song I sing

And I wouldn't change a thing

She's always trying to save the day

Just wanna let my music play

She's all or nothing

But my feelings never change

Why does he try to read my mind

I try to read her mind

It's not good to psychoanalyze

She tries to pick a fight to get attention

That's what all of my friends say

That's what all of my friends say

You, me

We're face to face

But we don't see eye to eye

Like fire and rain

You can drive me insane

But I can't stand mad at you for anything

We're Venus and Mars

We're like different stars

But you're the harmony to every song I sing

And I wouldn't change a thing

When I'm yes, she's no

When I hold on, he just lets go

We're perfectly imperfect

But I wouldn't change a thing, no

Like fire and rain
You can drive me insane
But I can't stand mad at you for anything
We're Venus and Mars
We're like different stars
But you're the harmony to every song I sing
And I wouldn't change a thing

But I can't stand mad at you for anything
We're Venus and Mars
We're like different stars
But you're the harmony to every song I sing
And I wouldn't change a thing

Wouldn't change a thing

I miss us

I am seriously afraid that I might fall for you again. It's tough for me. I keep on thinking of you, all the time. I miss you for God's sake! I must be crazy, I know. However, feelings are not something that we, human could control as we wish. It's just there. Come and go. Or maybe never left?

I don't know anymore. The more I think, the more I fall deep into all the memories. The more I think, the more it makes no sense to me. The more I think, the more I feel like it's impossible.

Have you ever heard of a saying goes "If you are still in contact with your ex (well in my case he's not even my so called ex), it means two things. Whether the love is still there or the love has never been there?" Right. There is that kinda saying. So my question would be, do you believe in that? Is it even possible for two people are still connected even after few years have passed?

First thing first, fine, I am pretty confident and sure that in my case, the love is still there. At least I think so for now. Obviously not because of the second reason, the love has never been there. No. A total no no. That is too mainstream to be true. Surely, the love is still there. That's it. But how far this is true? Am I just hallucinating? Is it possible? Ah, I don't know! And it's killing me!

To be honest, I think it feels right only if I come clean with you. But then again, I am seriously afraid of your response. God, this is hard. I'm scared of the fact that I might fall again for you. I'm scared I might make things complicated again for you. I'm scared this might be my one sided feeling. I'm too scared.

You can do this!

Okay. Here it is. Mieza Shafieza, stay positive! What else could be worse than a subject that doesn't related with your course at all? Fine. You think I'm scared of you? Hah bring it on! I will try harder and beat you out of it. You think I'm all weak and I give up easily? Wrong person dude! I've faced this in IIUM before so you think it's gonna be tough? I tell you, it is. In fact tougher. But I don't really care any longer. I've set my eyes on you. I will try my best to score you, Social Entrepreneurship subject! You wait and see, insyaAllah. I'm gonna need you guys' prayers for this as well. Pray for me yeah? May He ease this.

Lillahi Taala

Ramadhan Kareem everyone! Its the third day of Ramadhan, alhamdulillah. Everything went smooth and sail so far. May this holy month prevents us and protects us from every little minor sins. Hopefully this holy month could be a step stone for anyone to change into the betterment. Including me. I am far beyond better. InsyaAllah, I will grab this opportunity to keep on changing myself consistently for my own good. One day, one change towards a peaceful life ahead. May He bless! :)

And I would like to take this chance as well, to apologize humbly to each and everyone of you for my mistreats or everything and anything bad comes from my imperfect self. There's no reasons or excuses I will provide you with everything that has or had or will happen in future. I am sincerely sorry and I plead you to forgive me. Kosong kosong ye?

You Don't Know Me

If you've ever felt alone in a world full of people talking. This book is for you.

Thank you to the writer, Sophia Bennett for this beautiful piece of yours. I totally enjoyed it. I must say with mixed feelings. I love this! It is so me. Everything about this book actually attracts me and makes me want to read it till its last page without having to take a rest for long before I continue! I admit the ending left me in an awe but the main point or the messages in this book overshadows all.

Sasha Bayley is so me in certain ways and that makes me really into this story about her. It feels as if the story is about me. In certain parts of course. My endorphin is up all the way now and it's because of this great book! I still remember every bit of it. I must admit, I have a good taste in choosing books to read. This is certainly not the first.

I bought this book coincidentally when I was out with my younger sister, walking together in a mall and there it was, the book section. Thousands of books in front of my eyes and honestly, I don't really think I will buy any actually at that time. But thanks to my sister, she saw a book and immediately passed it to me. Obviously because of its catchy nice cover. Well kids that age. Anyways that made me stayed even longer, interested.

As I took the book from her, I found this book at the same time, I don't know, the title just attracts me like a magnet. I grabbed it and read its summary. I fell in love on that instant. The summary was not even a paragraph actually. There's just few lines of big fonts words there and this sentence captured me most that made me hug the book as I search for others.

If this is fame, it sucks!

I ended up with 5 new novels when we went home. To think that I have a full box of books back in my room, at KL that I haven't quite really touch them what more read.

That's one thing about me. I love books. I totally do. I have this fantasy where in my future house, there will be a mini library and that will be where I place all of the books I have bought and decorate them nicely just like a library. Proper one, not a boring dead old dull quiet library at schools. LOL My kids could read them afterwards and admire them as much as I do. I just love books. I love buying them to be exact. And collect them. But to my surprise, during my past semester break, I tend to read novels diligently. At least I tend to not let them go from my grasp. A good starter that is for me!

That paid off hard work

Alhamdulillah. This is totally one of His blessings upon me and I am blessed. I am fully grateful beyond words! If I can count of every single things in my life that I feel so blissful just thinking about it, this would be one of it. I may not be rich but at least I know I am blessed with things that people cannot even buy with money. That's my property and I am proud of it. This is solemnly for both of my beloved parents.

Mama, Abah, I know I may not be the greatest daughter in the world but at least I will always try my very best to make both of you, proud of me. That thing is priceless. Alhamdulillah, all the praises shall went back to Him for this, again, for the second time. I feel much motivated for this ongoing semester! Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. May He eases another adventure of mine.

A brand new chapter

Hello! Oh it always feel so good to be back. The fact that my so called "holiday" has come to an end, well here am I, flied back just yesterday late evening, with two times delayed plane which I found quite an annoyance, still struggling to try and accept that fact.

I am not someone who's been fancying holidays because my holiday would be if not me, staying at home, wasting my time on my laptop, watching Korean dramas or movie marathons back to back with my younger sister, or occupying my holiday with such beneficial readings, or outing with my younger sister, or doing chores, or being an unpaid driver back and forth for my younger sister, I will be sleeping soundlessly almost all day as if I didn't sleep at all here. That's the plain reason why I'm not really into holidays. Well as the bright side of it, I've had a blast one this time despite all.

However, I'm actually am loving another fact that I'm back here, to work my ass out studying again. I love studying. I just am loving the moment. Though it may seems ridiculous ever because it's pretty obvious that students just hate one thing in life and that is studying itself. But I love it and I am currently being all excited about starting this whole new semester thing. I guess I like starting over a new leaf myself if it's not a bad thing. LOL!

Anyways, welcome back self and uni-mates! It's a brand new chapter and I'm thrilled! Stay motivated and positive please lovelies. May He ease this journey of mine and bless every moments in it, insyaAllah. To a more successful, enjoyable and stress-free (if and only if this is valid) semester we go!

Don't leave

One of the things I treasure most. I don't know. This really means everything to me. Though there are times when I don't wear it, I still place it near me. Whether it's in my handbag or in my pocket. It may look shabby or worn out but the meaning is more important to me. Hopefully, your owner won't take you away from me.

Let them go

Officially moved on!

Alhamdulillah. Finally I am done with this semester through all the hardships and unnecessary feelings lingering around, again, for the second time and hopefully the last time. Enough is enough. Let's talk about something else. Oh it's holiday! For these 1 month and a week's time, I will surely definitely fill them with lots of memories with my family. I bought a present for both of my parents since it's their anniversary. I'm planning to bake a cake for them as well. I wanna cook for my younger sister since she cannot just move on with my delicious cooking. Lol! My younger sister is waiting for me impatiently. She does know how to satisfy herself, doesn't she? Haha! She knows perfectly that when I'm back at home, she can go out with me, wherever, anytime, for free of course. Adik, adik. Oh it feels so good to be going back home after a very long hard whole semester. To Kedah we go!

Those Captivating Eyes

That fluttered moment when you suddenly appear

Out of nowhere, flawlessly unforeseen

With your bright red shirt

Looking so good in proper garments

You truly drive my attention away

In a place full of busy people with boisterous voices

Concentrating on you, only

It actually makes me wonder

Did I win a lottery today?

Or did I just save a country before?

For you to come and personally talk to me

For the first time ever, at that particular time

With your smiling, charming eyes

Connected with mine in a flash

They both are sending signals right through my heart

And possibly yours too, I wish

That maybe, this is not just it

This is presently the initiation, the start of something new

Because deep inside, I have started to value this already

The propinquity between us and of course, you

Without I even realized, I really am pleased ultimately

The fact that we actually get to know each other

It is one of the most significant moments for me.

What else matters?

Do you really mean that much to me?

I am actually amazed with myself. Seriously. I don't know I could value someone this much until I let myself live everyday, every time, thinking of him. I have never sacrifice my time, my tears, my money, my thoughts, my feelings, my pride, my self-esteem, most importantly myself, this much, to a guy that I cannot even call my own. I didn't even do this much to my ex. It surprises me as well. How is it even possible? Do I really like him that much?

I am not being cheapskate or insincere. I do all the things so that he will give me something back. No. That's not the case. I didn't expect anything from him. Oh okay I'm lying! It's true I don't expect him to give me things back. I just expect him to at least, appreciate. And show me that he really does. I expect him to at least, be frank with me how he really feels. So far, I am not so sure myself, whether he appreciates or not, every single thing I have done to him. And obviously, he is far from telling me his feelings.

Alright. Guess I'm exaggerating a bit there. I didn't do that much but all I can say, I really had a very sweet hard time to accomplish everything. I hesitated quite a lot of times before I decided to go for it. I'm having such an unexpectedly tough times though it's my own decision. I've never experience this before. Of course, my past relationship was supposed to be a secret so I cannot even do or receive much. See? That explains it all. This is my very first time. And ironically, my first time comes from my own actions towards him not the other way around like how it supposed to be. How sad is that?

IDK

It is burdening. I know. I just thought that this is the one and only way for me. To get the right solution for everything. Everything that needs to be solved. Everything that fills my head like the air. Everything that actually affects me inside out, slowly.

It's either I think or I don't think at all. But once I think, I cannot help from overthink. This happens almost all the time. Whenever I chose to think about it, I cannot stop myself from overly thinking about it. Indeed, when you overthink, you tend to create stuffs that's not even there at the first place. That's why it is better not to.

But who to blame? I'm just a normal human being. A normal girl. And girls, do overthink. God, how I wish I could settle everything in the blink of an eye without even have to think first. See? The aftereffect of thinking so much. I started to expect the impossible!

Truth is, now, even if I'm currently spending, God knows how much time to think about what should I do and how to solve this, I still didn't get any. Not even one solution. Not even one way. Ironic much? Yeah. I don't know what to do. I don't even have the mood to do anything. I don't know how to solve this. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

A challenge accepted!

This semester has been such a challenging one for me. I don't know. Every single thing is like testing my patience, my capabilities, my comfort zone. Everything. I feel like I'm in for an adventure for the past 4 months! Funny huh. How studying could be this adventurous. :)

However, I would say, I survived somehow. At least, compared to last semester, which was full of dramas, full of bullshits, full of unnecessary feelings, full of unimportant things that I actually considered important (yeah, silly me, I know!). Well not anymore! *flips hijab lol*

This semester feels much better in terms of my freedom for those silly things. Less people around you, less bullshits you gotta deal with. True indeed. I'm much more happier this way! That's the thing you know, when you are growing up, the older you get, the lesser your circle of friends would be. And I totally have no problems with that. I learnt that it's better to have one true friend than 100 mediocre friends.

But of course there are pros and cons. Well, life isn't that easy. Works were not as simple as it looked like. It's getting tougher, yeah. Subjects are even harder. Studying is not as simple as it was like in schools. Normal. I'm enjoying this. Totally.

Alhamdulillah. I managed to overcome everything smooth and sail. Now time to focus on final exam. Hopefully everything went well. May Allah ease our journey to another level. Amin!

Autumn Leaves

Another day, another life

Passes by just like mine

It's not complicated

Another mind, another soul

Another body to grow old

It's not complicated

Do you ever wonder if the stars shine out for you?

Float down, like autumn leaves

Hush now, close your eyes before the sleep

And you're miles away

And yesterday you were here with me

Another tear, another cry

Another place for us to die

It's not complicated

Another life that's gone to waste

Another light lost from your face

It's complicated

Is it that it's over or do birds still sing for you?

Float down, like autumn leaves

Hush now, close your eyes before the sleep

And you're miles away

And yesterday you were here with me

Oh how I miss you

My symphony played a song that carried you out

Oh how I miss you

And I, I miss you and I wish you'd stay

Do you ever wonder if the stars shine out for you?

Float down, like autumn leaves

Hush now, close your eyes before the sleep

And you're miles away

And yesterday you were here with me

Touch down

Like a seven four seven

Stay out and we'll live forever now

Interesting things about me

Okay. Now I know how hard is this for me. To right away answer what are interesting things about myself. I seriously have no idea. Maybe I am not that interesting to be with? Or maybe I'm just that lazy to think what are they? Either way, I think other than interesting, I could say, I am just... complicated? Yeah. Complicated.

I am a picky eater. I don't eat chicken, meat, fish, vegetables, that much. I'm not that into fruits. I don't fancy chocolates like other girls do. But these are things I only eat when I feel like it. There are times when I feel like I wanna eat chocolate but that's really rare. Same with others. I prefer wings rather than drumsticks or thighs. I eat catfish only. I love cabbage, salad, and tomato. I eat banana, apple, grapes, and watermelon. But like I said, only when I feel like I wanna eat them. Only. I hate everything related to soy. I don't even like nuts. I hate starfruit so very much. I'm not into sour things. Aha, headache already? I know right. I wanna ask the same question to myself as well. What do I eat then every single day? LOL

I am fussy. Pretty much in everything. In choosing, in deciding, in selecting, everything. I don't know, I'm not into perfection but I expect things that I do, will turned out to be at least, complete. Just like how I wanted it to be. Not more or less than that. My appearance, it needs to always be, me. God knows how hard it is for me to decide what should I wear everyday. For me, my image and my confidence level cannot live without each other. My work, it needs to always be, okay I don't know what to call this, em different than others? Yeah that's it. I don't want something similar or anything near others work, I want out of the box kinda work. God I sound so bad. Sorry if you happen to be my group mate though. I am no nice. I am hard to deal with. I am hard to please. Early warning! My friends, I choose them. Oh trust me, I have a very high preference when it comes to friends. Thanks to the past, I find it better to choose people around me wisely so that I won't be that disappointed later on because I loved them too much to let them go.

Now look. Are these even interesting for you? It's boring for me! Seriously I'm that kinda girl who has a difficulty in answering right away, every single thing about herself. But one thing I could promise you, that you will slowly know me, another side of me, a better side of me, once you get yourself closer. These past years, I've became someone better from my old self. I'm perfectly sure I have moved on and will continue moving on.

Good luck to you

Have you ever saw someone and straight away feel, that someone is going to ruin your life if you let them? If and only if you get involved yourself with that someone. Strangely I did. For certain people. I guess this happened since I've been exposed in this new environment at my age. It's freaking me out for that fact that I can be such a scanner inside out of that someone without even know her. Still, that is totally something that I couldn't stop from happening, can I?

That's exactly how I feel about her. I've told you. Clearly. Alright. Maybe you have your own reasons to be an idiot. I understand. Totally. I don't mind. Not anymore. At least, after I gave you warnings. I even gave you hints, signs, whatever you might call it. After all, I've done everything that I know, I won't regret later. It's your choice. I respect that. I'm trying not to care anymore now. No. I already stop caring. That's the best for us both. For you perhaps.

If you choose her instead of being with me, after I've explained why you shouldn't do so, and even after you've known her that up close, I'm fine. Instead I'll be praying for you, not to be that person you said you never will. Though you've already be. I will be here. Observing how you will change slowly, bit by bit, because of her. Trust me, you will. I will be here. Wishing you best of luck in life. Without me by your side.

Hey self, good job!

When all of my classmates announced their awesome results in the group, that's the moment when I feel so nervous. More nervous than performing on stage. Seriously. I have this nervousness when it comes to results. I know it's something I could never change any more, that's why. Though I have put my 100% for assignments, group works and finals, still. I'm nervous to see the results of my hard works. I'm afraid that it might disappoint myself. I'm afraid that I might not be the same level as my classmates. Ah, I totally have a war in my mind about it.

Anyway, all the praises to Allah. I scored brilliantly for this semester. A surprise I must say because I have that one subject which I thought I will fail. Alhamdulillah, I'm just glad and thankful that I'm able to always make both of you, proud of me. InsyaAllah, I'll work harder next semester for a better results and a wider smiles on both of you guys' faces. Thank you for everything Mama, Abah.

Hey classmates! Congratulations. See you guys at the award ceremony yeah? Totally proud of the fact that most of us, Bachelor of English, dominates the title. Yay! Ehem, and to you. Congratulations on getting 4flat. I'm happy for you. And remember, I lg 0.12 je nak beat you. Haha! *tak puas hati at the same time brsyukur* eh? Kbye!

I'm normal

I am no different with others. When it comes to holiday, I would wanna escape to a full vacation where I could relax, enjoy, have fun, explore, try new things, and of course, rest my mind from all the complications I get by being a student. Okay I made it sounds so bad. To be exact, rest from all the assignments and things I have to focus on? Yeah, that sounds... normal? Unfortunately, I have no chance to do so. Yet!

My holiday was spent specially in its own way. I had good times with my family back in Kedah for the whole 10 days. I wasted lots of money on clothes and shoes, again. I know. I just hope that I will wear all of them, that's all. I spent the rest of the days back in KL with my dad before everything ends later. It was a blissful holiday for me. Though it's a holiday without a vacay, still I enjoyed every moments of it. That's the most important thing.

So speaking of which, actually I'm a little excited here for the fact that I'm gonna start a new semester this Monday. Simply because the thoughts of learning new things, get to know new lecturers, meeting my favorite friends after awhile, being a student back, are just... awesome! I can't wait seriously. And along with that, I'm wishing myself a very good days ahead. May this semester be blessed and successful enough. Cheers to new experiences and memories!

Happy pill

That satisfaction and joy you feel when everyone appreciate your effort. I seldom go back to my hometown to be honest. I just hate being here actually. Yes, hate. The fact that there's nothing here that could attract my interest is one of the reasons why. Up to you if that's what you wanna call I forget my own root or whatnot, I was not even born here. That's just how I feel every time I'm here in Kedah. So why should I lie?

Of course, Kedah is far away from all the noise and it's peaceful, well it's at the countryside right? It would be weird if it's not. But then, that's just it to it. The peacefulness. That's all. Trust me, there's NOTHING here. I wouldn't even mind if I visit once in awhile, maybe for a vacay for my mind and all the chaos, noisiness, pollution. But to the extent of staying here, for a long time? If I can avoid, I will. And that's what I've been doing all this while.

That's why even if I'm on a holiday, I won't stay here that long. I will, if and only if I have to, like totally have no choice, like extremely have to. You know what I mean when I already emphasize on that. Last time, I stayed for 3 freaking months and it was... bad. The only thing that saved me from surviving was, work. If I didn't work for that whole 3 months, I think I will become a living corpse! Yeah, it's that worse.

Despite all that, based on the reason itself, whenever I'm back at my home, I will always spend it wisely. Rest, rest fully. Hangout, hangout unlimited-ly. Spend time, spend time quality-ly. So today, I cooked for my family. I have always love cooking. If I have to choose between sewing and cooking, you probably know which one I'll choose to do right away. I hate sewing. Even in a million years. Sorry future husband. If your button needs a little sewing skill, maybe I will ask my mom to do it instead. Eh? Okay totally not a good daughter myself.

I cooked Fettuccine Carbonara with Smoked Sausages, dinner for 5. A little western for today's dinner. Abah is missing though. He will really love it if he knows I cook. Even if it's just scramble eggs. He will say "Oh akak, you cook today? It must be bad no?" heh. That's just how my dad is. Proud of me but at the same time, the criticisms from his mouth, God knows how it feels good and annoying in it's own way. Anyways, I am thankful enough. My sweats are totally paid off right that moment when my effort is appreciated. Silently. That's even better. The funny thing about my family is, they really didn't wrap me around with good words. Things that come out from their mouths are all... unsupportive. They just say things that's opposite of how they feel.

My mum, she said this earlier "Akak, I cannot eat this, I feel nauseous and you know cheese will make me feel even worse" and she didn't touch my fettuccine. Not even a bite. I understand her and say nothing. When I went into the room, she yelled from outside to me "You should have put paisley leaves, more onions, more this, more that, then this will be tastier" but still finishes everything in her plate. My sister reported to me about it, as well as how my younger brother add some more of the fettuccine twice or thrice! My brother then came back a bit later, he finishes all in the bowl until it's clean as I've washed it.

You see, that feeling is exactly what I longed for. I cooked simply because I have been meaning to cook it long time ago but I have no time to do so. Today is my last night at home so I thought it could be memorable if I cook. And it certainly does. Alhamdulillah. What more could I ever ask for? Rather than just, praying for this moment, this family, this kinda thing will last long and never fades away.

Thank you, dear Allah.

If and only if

Fate doesn't care about plans. If something is meant to be, it will be. I don't know about you, but I'm a firm believer in fate. Everything happens for a reason and sometimes the reasons aren't very clear. Some you find out almost immediately, and some you live your whole live trying to figure out. Why you met someone, why you lost someone, why things happened the way they did. I'm constantly thinking about this. But ultimately, I know that everything ends just the way it's meant to. Nothing I do can change the outcome. It always ends well, and if it doesn't... well it's just not the end. It's that simple.

I'm wide awake

If you want to make your dreams come true, the first thing you have to do is, wake up. Wake up beautiful self. Wake up from the fantasy that you have been creating and start living the reality for good. Fantasy is pretty, no doubt. Living in a world that is full of things that you have been imagined beforehand. What else could be prettier than that though? But reality also is gorgeous in its own way. Let's try and look at it at the bright side shall we?

My one and only dream that I've been dreaming since I was small, has yet to be true. If you ask me when's that dream gonna be accomplish, then I have no answer to that. Maybe I have to postpone? Maybe, that's the best. I've been wasting lots of time already. For now I'm focusing on the present. Dreams that I have been saving day by day, to make a better future ahead. Like to get deans list every semester? Like to be more responsible in everything I do? Like to enjoy every little things in life? Like to keep on putting a smile on my face no matter what happen? Like to upgrade myself towards a better me everyday? Like to study my ass out and pursue my master oversea? Those little dreams of mine right at this moment. I'm so gonna make all those come true, for now. Fuh! May He bless everything.

Life goes on

Alhamdulillah 2014.

A wonderful year for me. A year full of opportunities. A year full of first times. A year full of good people. A year full of experiences. A year full of happiness and good times. A year that's totally by far, the best year. I'm thankful for every single lessons given. There's always a silver lining behind everything. Now all I can say is, I get it. I seriously get it. For each and everything that has happened, or yet to happen, or will happen, there are reasons, no at least a reason, why.

Thank you everyone. You guys have made my year. For good or even bad, thank you. The experiences that could never be bought, thank you. The opportunities that I had grabbed, thank you. The happiness, the heartaches, the disappointments, the success, the failures, the criticisms, the supports, the good and bad times, thank you. Sincerely.

2015. I don't usually have all those undone intentions when a new year starts. Seriously, I'm not that type of person who jot down all the things I wanna achieve throughout the year. Since I know myself better. I won't even bother to accomplish them, so why would I lie to myself? Pretending that if I have the list, I will follow and somehow, get it done. Haha! Guess I am not the neat and systematic type then. Well in this matter of course.

Anyways, isn't it better if I just continue to follow the flow? Screw the list, and just live my life to the fullest. Everyday. For me, that's what I will do. Despite the fact that the list will somehow helps, I rather think that I'm the one who should change the game. Not letting the game changes me. So here's to a more meaningful year, full of chances, countless good times ahead.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim 2015.