Do you really mean that much to me?

I am actually amazed with myself. Seriously. I don't know I could value someone this much until I let myself live everyday, every time, thinking of him. I have never sacrifice my time, my tears, my money, my thoughts, my feelings, my pride, my self-esteem, most importantly myself, this much, to a guy that I cannot even call my own. I didn't even do this much to my ex. It surprises me as well. How is it even possible? Do I really like him that much?

I am not being cheapskate or insincere. I do all the things so that he will give me something back. No. That's not the case. I didn't expect anything from him. Oh okay I'm lying! It's true I don't expect him to give me things back. I just expect him to at least, appreciate. And show me that he really does. I expect him to at least, be frank with me how he really feels. So far, I am not so sure myself, whether he appreciates or not, every single thing I have done to him. And obviously, he is far from telling me his feelings.

Alright. Guess I'm exaggerating a bit there. I didn't do that much but all I can say, I really had a very sweet hard time to accomplish everything. I hesitated quite a lot of times before I decided to go for it. I'm having such an unexpectedly tough times though it's my own decision. I've never experience this before. Of course, my past relationship was supposed to be a secret so I cannot even do or receive much. See? That explains it all. This is my very first time. And ironically, my first time comes from my own actions towards him not the other way around like how it supposed to be. How sad is that?