Stop trying excessively, dear self

Someone told me, that sometimes, I shouldn't take things too hard. It will be a lot easier if I didn't assume it as a whole lot burden to myself. I should enjoy doing things. And who knows, once I do, better things will unfold.

Yeah. He is dayum right. I tend to actually stress my own self out. And I will freak out. And I will complaint. And things won't even settle. And I'm doomed! God.

I forgot for one moment, one thing. To enjoy what I do instead of stressing it out. Well I'm talking about assignments. Aha. That's right. The perks of being a student. -,- I know, this is a normal dayum thing but I made it hard. On my own self. LOL. I blame me for this, yay!

Thank you, dear You. For this. I appreciate it, really. :)

C.O.N.F.I.D.E.N.T

Confident is good. And I'm glad I have this installed in me since I was as young age 6. I involved myself in a gymnastic sport when I was 7. Aha my body was too flexible, I mean who doesn't at the age of 7? LOL -,- I had several competitions, represent my state, Kedah, at that time. I won as the second place and I ran happily towards my mom and hugged her tightly in front of everybody. I even got a standing ovation when I was 7.

Everything went smoothly until my dad prevented me from entering the next competition that had been held at KL, that time. So no more gymnastic, no more competitions, no more practices. And I was only 9 at that time. Why? Because I will have to travel everywhere for the competitions and my dad just hated that. Even my mom will accompany me together with my coach, it's still useless. He just hated the fact that I must travel when I was still young and small. #ohmydad

And so, after a quite devastating moment in my life because I have to stop doing things I love unwillingly, I managed to overcome it. Then at the age of 10, I involved with singing pulak. God. I've been singing since I was 6 according to my mom, though I cannot really sing a proper song. Twinkle twinkle pun singing ah jugak en? LOL -,- I still remember my first time singing to a crowd, it was on the Teacher's Day during primary school. Ever since then, to be a singer has always be my one and only ambition. Until now.

At the age of 13, I chose dancing instead of singing because I wanted to do something that my mom did actively when she was a teenager. I performed for my school event, in front of thousands of people, together with a few old singers. I sang and danced together with one of my mom's idol just to make her proud of me. And I did it. She was proud. Totally. My mom was a dancer for her state, Kedah. Oh and my dad has a nice voice. He kinda proud with it, among his friends and us. So maybe you can guess where I got the blood from? LOL

When I was going through my teenage years, I've been in lots of singing competitions. I won some of them and I also lost some. But that doesn't stop me from singing. Though my parents aren't that supportive when I once confessed to them that I wanna be a singer and pursue my dreams as a singer, I still sing. Until now. I know what they were concerned about but singing is still my cup of tea other than English.

Alhamdulillah, I've been taught to always be confident in everything I do since I was small, without I even notice if I didn't look back at those memories right now. Wow. It feels incredibly great.

If you ask me, I don't even know where it comes from but every single time if I have to perform, to present myself, to volunteer, to respond, or to do anything which involves courage and confidence, I can simply do it. Credits to my mom and dad. And my childhood experiences.

One day, I will surely teach my own son and daughter what I've been taught.

It just hurts, that's all

I've been used to this. People walked away from me, whether or not I'm at fault. Since high school, until recently. As time passed by, I keep on reflecting myself. Not even once, I stop thinking and asking myself about it. Yes. Five years straight.

Do they have other reasons why they left, that I don't even know about? It hurts me even more, since I have no idea exactly why they left. Shouldn't you guys at least, let me know, what actually went wrong at the very first place? Because there might be misunderstandings.

No. I'm not trying to explain myself even if you tell me. I know, explaining things aren't helpful at all to you guys because it seems just excuses. I know, there's always something wrong with me, that made you guys left. That's why, isn't it best, if you guys tell me and give me chance to at least get rid of my flaws that had gave you problems instead of just leaving?

High school friends. I missed you guys. Though we were all immature girls back then, I still wonder, why must we broke apart? Foundation dorm mates and classmates, how are you guys doing? And you. Are you happy, without a useless friend like me?

In every cloud, there is a silver lining

When I'm surrounded by new people, I tend to feel like, I am a brand new person. For me, it's a good thing. When I'm with them, I feel like, every single day, I need to change at least one of my bad behavior and be a better person. Seriously. I love being in this new environment, right now. It makes me feel, as if I am obliged to keep on changing and most importantly, let my old self go.

It's undoubtedly true, things happen for a reason. Well, reasons I guess. All the things that happened in my life before, either goods or bad, I'm thankful for that. Because obviously, without them, I wouldn't be here, experiencing all these awesome things going on, get to know a bunch of real good people, appreciating the littlest things, and of course, I got to be myself. My better self.

Thank you. For each and everyone who once, befriends with this immature, lack of common sense, inconsiderate, too bold, selfish, rude, overconfident self. Sincerely, I thank you guys from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for being patient with this girl. Thank you for coping and never stops advising this self, though she never listens because she thinks she's doing good. Thank you so much. You guys are the one who give me this chance, to be where I am now. 진심으로 감사합니다.

Holidays not so holidays

End of holidays. It was okay, since I spent most of my holidays working, so yeah. But apart from that, I love the fact that I got to spend my quality time with my family and friends. Just that fact.

I must say, throughout my working experience at the age of 22, I got to know quite a lot of types of people. If you think you are pretty enough, well think again. Pretty is quite subjective you know. Be it physically or spiritually. That's the solid reason why, they must be equally the same.

But screw you! Who has it nowadays? I mean who has their physically and spiritually balanced? Like come on. People are not the same anymore, at least in this generation I'm talking about. That is why, I realized that I cannot aspect my own generation to be pretty inside out. Because to be honest, I am so not a pretty person myself, inside out. Simple.

In the name of friendship

I may be a complete hypocrite if I demand that you started to change once you befriend with me. I don't think I have the confidence to say so. I still didn't know behind my back, when you're not with me, what did you do, how did you behave. Whether you turned out to be the way you were in your past or not, I don't know. But at least I have this little confidence to claim that, when you are with me, you stop doing silly things you did before. That's the least I'm sure of. And for that, I am proud.

Merely because I think I'm the only one person in this whole wide world, who wants you to change and stop. Who no matter what happens, stick besides you and backing you. Who always be patient with you, with your behavior. I'm lying if I say you didn't hurt me. Course you did. In fact lots of times. Maybe more than how much I hurt you or maybe the same amount. I don't remember no more because I never remember. But we're both a normal human being and we cannot simply avoid having this feeling of 'terasa' all the time between us. We're no perfectionist. But for me, for the sake of friendship, I cast aside all these thing called conscience.

Why? How? Am I that kind? Am I a saint? Of course not for heaven's sake. I cannot run away from feeling the same as you. I'm no nice either. But for me, you are my friend, and once you are, I accept you as you are, as well as your flaws. Whatever good things you did to me, I'm thankful for that up till now and I don't think I could ever pay everything back. And for whatever bad things you did to me, I never take it to heart. I always have this kind of 'apps' in myself, when it comes to you whom I called my friend, I will save the good things and erase the bad things right away. That was how I'm able to last with you. With your behavior.

I'm not staying friends because I want you to change to be a total brand new person. Totally not. I accept you and your true self, sincerely. Because that was how I befriend with you. Because you are you. I never want you to change and be someone who completely different than being you. I just thought that, you could be a much better person if you stop doing things that slowly ruin you without you even noticing. That's just it.

This is totally from the bottom of my heart. I know I'm at no place to be saying this, right now. It's a little too late already. But you know, I never regret. It sucks how things ended up but somehow, I cannot offer any single explanation if you decided to pick on my flaws. My flaws are always gonna be there, deep inside me. If you cannot take it anymore, there's nothing I can do about it.

Anyways, thank you. I am earnestly sorry for everything.

Well, I don't think I could please everybody, do I?

But the memories won't seem to let me go

I know. Nothing will change even if I look back at the past. Past is past. And it always is. I didn't even want to think about it no more. "Enough is enough already..." that's what I've been telling myself in order to live the present. But I don't think I can avoid from looking back if it keeps bugging me, do I?

Today was wonderfully spent, personally. But still, I never expect to bump into certain people who used to be so important to me before. Not because I'm ashamed of myself, not because I did something wrong to them, not to avoid them for good.

But because they once brought happiness to me. They were apart of my reasons to live up and prove myself. Because I know if I meet them now, I will start to remember everything crystal clear, again. The one I had troubles to let go for almost, ever. It's just... too hard.

Dear past, stop tapping me on the shoulders, would you? Just, stop appearing in my mind like a replay. Pretty please? I don't want to look back. Not anymore.

Be careful before karma slaps you right away

What goes around, comes around. Karma can be surprisingly, scary. And unbelievable too. Respect? I don't think I should talk about respect no more. This matter doesn't even deserve to be respected. It's too hard for me to even digest every bit of the news yet. What more to understand, or accept? I don't think I could, even in future. I'm sorry.

Just, it's totally out of my expectation. Well life can be pretty outrageous, no? You just cannot simply hate something, that proudly. You just can't. And the funny thing is, you even curse those who do things you hate, as if you will never do it. Like ever. My oh my. I mean who knows what will happen later for heaven's sake? Even you won't even know what will happen tomorrow, do you?

Life is fair enough. He is fair enough. You get what you need, not what you want. You can hate things, maybe, I won't starting now, whatever but by cursing? It's not that simple because somehow you will end up, doing and getting things you hate the most. That's how life works.

So that happens now, what say you? Can you face those people who you condemned the most because they are doing things you hate? Can you be as proud as you were before when what you hate, is happening to you now? Oh how scary!

I know it's not your fault, life treats you this way. I understand that very well. But the fact that you once, oh correction, more than triple times, cursed me, condemned me, blamed me, pointed your finger at my face, chased me out, that's what disappoint me most. That's what makes me refuse to even accept this news. I'm sorry. I just don't think it's understandable anymore.

She

If there's an award for crying, she thinks she will definitely dominates. That explains just how much she cries. Every single night. Without fail. Even when most of the nights, she feels emotionless, cry for nothing, because she cries too much. But tears just never stop falling down her pale cheeks. Just like the pouring rain. Less heavy but nonstop.

It's killing her. Bit by bit. She feels sick. Her body shivers. Not because of the coldness. She's cold yet hot. She can't feel her legs when she stands. Her head spins around frantically. So she lies down, practically straight, trying to shut her eyes firm. Hopefully to leave the reality for at least a moment, to go to the dreamland. A world full of bliss. Because that's the only place where she feels better. Even if she's alone.

But it didn't work. As if the reality demands to stay even longer than it has been already. With teary eyes, wet cheeks, she tries again. Shutting her eyes, very slowly. To sleep. To visit the blissful dreamland. She feels heavy. Her head's heavy. Her body's heavy. Her eyes' heavy. She really feels sick. Really. Her body no longer listens to the power of mind control she always practices. There's no use. She's helpless now. Lying in bed, fully awake, eyes closed, still wet and full of tears that she can't hold back even if she wants to. Totally helpless.

Save her, dear dreamland. Help her to escape and be there at least, for now. So she can get herself back on track. So her body and mind would be back to its' place. Please?

The world is cruel. The reality suffocates me. The future alerts me. Everything scares me. Can time solves everything? Will thinking and deciding, do any good? Will running away or facing it, works?

I don't know anymore. And that makes me feel empty. Totally empty.

Let It Go by Demi Lovato

Let it go, let it go

Can't hold it back anymore

Let it go, let it go

Turn my back and slam the door

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight

Not a footprint to be seen

A kingdom of isolation

And it looks like, I'm the queen

The wind is howling like the swirling storm inside

Couldn't keep it in, heaven knows I tried

Don't let them in, don't let them see

Be the good girl you always have to be

Conceal, don't feel

Don't let them know

Well, now they know

Let it go, let it go

Can't hold it back anymore

Let it go, let it go

Turn my back and slam the door

And here I stand, and here I'll stay

Let it go, let it go

The cold never bothered me anyway

It's funny how some distance

Makes everything seem small

And the fears that once controlled me

Can't get to me at all

Up here in the cold thin air

I finally can breathe

I know I left a life behind

But I'm too relieved to grieve

Let it go, let it go

Can't hold it back anymore

Let it go, let it go

Turn my back and slam the door

And here I stand, and here I'll stay

Let it go, let it go

The cold never bothered me anyway

Standing, frozen, in the life I've chosen

You won't find me, the past is so behind me

Buried in the snow

Let it go, let it go

Can't hold it back anymore

Let it go, let it go

Turn my back and slam the door

And here I stand, and here I'll stay

Let it go, let it go

The cold never bothered me anyway

What's there left to do?

Remember, when you forgive, you heal. And when you let go, you grow. Oh how I wish these are an easy things to do! I always admire those who could be such forgiver. I always thought that people who could let go easily are pretty impressive. Because for me, it took courage and guts to do so. That's what I lack of, I think. For certain matters.

Yeah. It's true I am far from kind. Even though I try so hard to be kind but I guess it doesn't work at all. Trying can be pretty hopeless you know because even if I try, everything just don't work like how I expect it will. Trying just don't get along with me that well. It's sad. If trying isn't working, what else is there for me to do?

It's hard to be me

This devastation I feel for the second time is unbearable. Despite the reasons, the reality, the present, everything is just, too hurtful. To bear with. To get over with. I feel totally ripped. Exactly into pieces. My emotion is unstable and there's nothing I could do to stop myself from mourning over it. Or maybe, there's nothing I want to do.

And this is the first time in life, I've ever feel this way. Never did I imagine such thing could happen. Again. I don't think anybody would, honestly.

Being me, being in my shoe is very very very tiring, stressing, depressing and whatnot. Not because I'm perfect but simply because I have done and still doing a very huge quantity of mistakes in life. Though I try hard every single day to remind myself not to repeat them, learn from them instead, it's just still not working. I will found out that I am repeating the same mistakes and learn nothing later on. It is frustrating even to me. What more people around me.

Even if this sounds silly, but I seriously even study how to live life the way a normal human being should. I'm not bragging about how I've put efforts in being me the way I am now. It's not that I'm living a decent, normal life anyway. But personally living life is hard. Being me is hard.

1/3/2014

What a beautiful evening to wrap February up. Thank you for the day. You know who you are. And it does feel like, just yesterday I began my new year of 2014 but now it's already the beginning of March. Time does flies. So see you again next year, February. :)

March for me is a very meaningful month of all months. Triple birthdays to celebrate. Yeah. So happy birthday to the most lovable father in the whole world. I wish you a very joyful day of birth. May He blesses you with prosperity. Please concern more about your health so that you could stay healthy and always be the love of my life. Thank you for being born and being my father. I love you. And by the way, hello March!

Too good to be true

I looked up. The sky looks rather bluish than any normal days. Clear. And it feels nearer too. I feel like I can touch the sky with my two hands. I like this feeling. It's rare. I never feel this way. It's refreshing.

I feel like I'm living in my own little world. I feel like I'm a little girl, in her little world, dreaming and fantasize sweet yet unrealistic things.

Able to feel things that I want to feel. Able to do what I really want to do. Able to shout what I feel inside me. Able to show my weaknesses. Without anyone to think about, without anything to worry about. Oh how nice. Interesting actually.

If and only if this is a reality, I wouldn't mind living alone. I wouldn't mind being the only little girl, live in her own little world. It's fascinating. The feeling of I don't really need anyone itself is amazing.

Oh and if this is a dream, please don't wake me up. At least just for a little while. Let me live in my own little world for some time. Because here, I'm happy.

Oh my dream

I heard a conversation on the radio from a famous singer and it's kinda gave me lots of thoughts about me myself. The deejay asked her “how could you get involved in the singing world?” and she answered very calmly that “singing actually is not my dream. I mean I love singing but I never thought of it to be my career path”.

Wow. That was like a big blow to me. And her voice is great too. A little similar to Yuna but it's good. In fact she said her dream collaboration would be with Yuna.

If people ask me how can I be this crazy about singing, I would say because it is my dream since I was 10 years old until now. That was when I started singing. I've been thinking about making it my own career path. Just give everything up and follow my only dream in life. To be a singer.

I know, not everyone could be a singer and stuff but I took this little dream of mine seriously. Totally seriously. It's not easy to make it come true, yeah. And my parents are not that supportive towards it. Not for a career of course.

Oh how I wish I could be in this age forever. So that once I've decided to make my dream comes true and debut, I will still be 21 years old. –

Because it's you

Seeing how you live your everyday life makes me reminisce our past together. It's neither a good nor a bad thing. Though I don't see you everyday, but to be able to see you quite closer once, after awhile, reminds me of our times. Those times.

I mean I admit, it is hard to forget everything about you. And us. Or maybe I just refuse to, I don't know. Either way, I'm glad to see you again. Hopefully things are fine with you. Just, continue being fine just the way you seem to be now. At least to my eyes.

Prayers from me

It's quite a surprise knowing that most of my friends back there dkt Kedah, dah kahwin. Bukan surprise apa, tapi sebab it's been awhile, baru sekarang nie dapat tahu. Tak ke surprise haa. Siap dah ada anak bagai. Or maybe siapa orangnye tu yang buat lagi surprise. Ehem!

Alhamdulillah. Huntung korang. May it lasts sampai anak cucu lah ye. For those yang tengah darah manis tu, dah jadi fiancee orang, cepat2 lah get married. Teringin nak makan nasik minyak nih. Bhahaha!

And bagi yang berkenaan yang tanya tuh, though tak tahu siapa yang buat cerita, apa pun news that says I already engaged tu memang false. Jadi rest in peace and relax sudah. Since when pulak la aku bertunang, aku pun tak faham. Calon pun takde lagi, takkan dah tunang haa? Haha! --

It seems like, it's too hard to even control my feelings anymore. Seriously are feelings really something that at the very first place, uncontrollable? Because it sounds ridiculous to me now.

Why is it so hard to tell my heart to feel only whatever I want to feel and not things that I shouldn't feel? Now I can't even be real with my own feelings. This is tiring. I'm tired. Emotionally exhausted. Because my heart seems to do whatever it pleases. This drives me crazy. I think I'm going crazy.

What a big headache

Why do I feel like I owe everyone in this whole world something? I keep on thinking that I've wronged everyone to the point that I have to seek forgiveness from each one of them. My mind seems to be certain about it and I don't think there's anything I could do to change it. Even if I want to. So badly.

It's been a depressing week for me since it's not something that I could just get over with within such a short period of time. Because no matter how hard I try to think about what I had done until I have this kinda feeling of super guilty towards exactly everyone, it's just not working. My conclusion eventually is always the same. I have no idea.

5 years already

High school memories. Oh I've never imagine to bump into my past this soon. Right. Past. It is unexpected, indeed.

I always feel like we have these unfinished stuffs going on but never know how to put it into words. It makes me feel indebted. Or I feel they owe me something. I'm not sure. Either way it really bothers me for quite some time now.

Sorry. Well maybe that's what I wanna hear most I think. Or say. Ah I don't know.

Now, you tell me

Okay. Here's the thing. This is the ugly truth that initially I thought, will not affect me that much. Guess I'm wrong. A mistake that you have done, just once, maybe will be forgiven eventually. But never will be forgotten. Well by some people.

I mean, mistakes are done because you could learn from it.  It's done because you don't know at the very first place that it would be that big a deal. It's mistakes we are talking about.

And aren't mistakes done by normal human being? So why is it so hard to forgive and forget? Okay maybe sorry is not enough to make it all up but tell me, what do you want me to do to show you that I made a mistake and I'm truly sorry about it? What should I do?

If and only if life is a movie

You know, the only thing that makes a movie alive is the message. What do they expect people or viewers to get, at the end of the story. Whether the ending is predictable or totally twisted.

Well it is true sometimes, in real life, people seem to care much about the ending, how their life should end more than what they should do to get "their" kinda endings, their kinda life. Action speaks the loudest. Yeah, plans are important. But it would mean nothing without you make it happen.