1/3/2014

What a beautiful evening to wrap February up. Thank you for the day. You know who you are. And it does feel like, just yesterday I began my new year of 2014 but now it's already the beginning of March. Time does flies. So see you again next year, February. :)

March for me is a very meaningful month of all months. Triple birthdays to celebrate. Yeah. So happy birthday to the most lovable father in the whole world. I wish you a very joyful day of birth. May He blesses you with prosperity. Please concern more about your health so that you could stay healthy and always be the love of my life. Thank you for being born and being my father. I love you. And by the way, hello March!

Too good to be true

I looked up. The sky looks rather bluish than any normal days. Clear. And it feels nearer too. I feel like I can touch the sky with my two hands. I like this feeling. It's rare. I never feel this way. It's refreshing.

I feel like I'm living in my own little world. I feel like I'm a little girl, in her little world, dreaming and fantasize sweet yet unrealistic things.

Able to feel things that I want to feel. Able to do what I really want to do. Able to shout what I feel inside me. Able to show my weaknesses. Without anyone to think about, without anything to worry about. Oh how nice. Interesting actually.

If and only if this is a reality, I wouldn't mind living alone. I wouldn't mind being the only little girl, live in her own little world. It's fascinating. The feeling of I don't really need anyone itself is amazing.

Oh and if this is a dream, please don't wake me up. At least just for a little while. Let me live in my own little world for some time. Because here, I'm happy.

Oh my dream

I heard a conversation on the radio from a famous singer and it's kinda gave me lots of thoughts about me myself. The deejay asked her “how could you get involved in the singing world?” and she answered very calmly that “singing actually is not my dream. I mean I love singing but I never thought of it to be my career path”.

Wow. That was like a big blow to me. And her voice is great too. A little similar to Yuna but it's good. In fact she said her dream collaboration would be with Yuna.

If people ask me how can I be this crazy about singing, I would say because it is my dream since I was 10 years old until now. That was when I started singing. I've been thinking about making it my own career path. Just give everything up and follow my only dream in life. To be a singer.

I know, not everyone could be a singer and stuff but I took this little dream of mine seriously. Totally seriously. It's not easy to make it come true, yeah. And my parents are not that supportive towards it. Not for a career of course.

Oh how I wish I could be in this age forever. So that once I've decided to make my dream comes true and debut, I will still be 21 years old. –

Because it's you

Seeing how you live your everyday life makes me reminisce our past together. It's neither a good nor a bad thing. Though I don't see you everyday, but to be able to see you quite closer once, after awhile, reminds me of our times. Those times.

I mean I admit, it is hard to forget everything about you. And us. Or maybe I just refuse to, I don't know. Either way, I'm glad to see you again. Hopefully things are fine with you. Just, continue being fine just the way you seem to be now. At least to my eyes.

Prayers from me

It's quite a surprise knowing that most of my friends back there dkt Kedah, dah kahwin. Bukan surprise apa, tapi sebab it's been awhile, baru sekarang nie dapat tahu. Tak ke surprise haa. Siap dah ada anak bagai. Or maybe siapa orangnye tu yang buat lagi surprise. Ehem!

Alhamdulillah. Huntung korang. May it lasts sampai anak cucu lah ye. For those yang tengah darah manis tu, dah jadi fiancee orang, cepat2 lah get married. Teringin nak makan nasik minyak nih. Bhahaha!

And bagi yang berkenaan yang tanya tuh, though tak tahu siapa yang buat cerita, apa pun news that says I already engaged tu memang false. Jadi rest in peace and relax sudah. Since when pulak la aku bertunang, aku pun tak faham. Calon pun takde lagi, takkan dah tunang haa? Haha! --

It seems like, it's too hard to even control my feelings anymore. Seriously are feelings really something that at the very first place, uncontrollable? Because it sounds ridiculous to me now.

Why is it so hard to tell my heart to feel only whatever I want to feel and not things that I shouldn't feel? Now I can't even be real with my own feelings. This is tiring. I'm tired. Emotionally exhausted. Because my heart seems to do whatever it pleases. This drives me crazy. I think I'm going crazy.

What a big headache

Why do I feel like I owe everyone in this whole world something? I keep on thinking that I've wronged everyone to the point that I have to seek forgiveness from each one of them. My mind seems to be certain about it and I don't think there's anything I could do to change it. Even if I want to. So badly.

It's been a depressing week for me since it's not something that I could just get over with within such a short period of time. Because no matter how hard I try to think about what I had done until I have this kinda feeling of super guilty towards exactly everyone, it's just not working. My conclusion eventually is always the same. I have no idea.

5 years already

High school memories. Oh I've never imagine to bump into my past this soon. Right. Past. It is unexpected, indeed.

I always feel like we have these unfinished stuffs going on but never know how to put it into words. It makes me feel indebted. Or I feel they owe me something. I'm not sure. Either way it really bothers me for quite some time now.

Sorry. Well maybe that's what I wanna hear most I think. Or say. Ah I don't know.

Now, you tell me

Okay. Here's the thing. This is the ugly truth that initially I thought, will not affect me that much. Guess I'm wrong. A mistake that you have done, just once, maybe will be forgiven eventually. But never will be forgotten. Well by some people.

I mean, mistakes are done because you could learn from it.  It's done because you don't know at the very first place that it would be that big a deal. It's mistakes we are talking about.

And aren't mistakes done by normal human being? So why is it so hard to forgive and forget? Okay maybe sorry is not enough to make it all up but tell me, what do you want me to do to show you that I made a mistake and I'm truly sorry about it? What should I do?